Let’s talk about vices. For me, it’s weed. I’ve always considered myself a recreational smoker and a social drinker. But during my first therapy session, my therapist brought up the concept of self-medication. She wasn’t judging—she was just helping me reflect. And honestly? It made me realize something I’d been avoiding.
In some circles, using substances while managing bipolar disorder is automatically labeled as self-medication. For the longest time, I told myself, “That’s not me.” I’d say I smoke weed to unwind or have a glass of wine after a long day because I deserve it. But if I’m being completely real with myself, there’s a little bit of denial in that. If I wasn’t pregnant, I’d still be smoking a joint to fall asleep or sipping tequila to decompress. I’ve always prided myself on being true to who I am, and this realization has me rethinking how honest I’ve been with myself.
Right now, I’ve stopped all my vices for the health of my baby. But I’ll be upfront: I fully intend to return to them after I deliver. I’m not interested in trying medications for bipolar—even though I’ve read countless stories about people finding the right mix of meds and transforming their lives. That’s not my journey. I like my weed. I like my tequila. And while I see my habits naturally diminishing as I get older, I’m also realistic about who I am right now.
As I approach 39, I’m looking forward to finding healthier ways to enjoy my habits. That might sound like an oxymoron, but if you’re reading this blog, you know life is full of contradictions. This is where I’m at today. I’m exploring what it means to be mindful about my choices while staying true to myself. If you’re on a similar journey, let’s navigate this together.